This is how Monkey would appear in McSweeney's... if
McSweeney's was foolish enough to
accept comics on a regular basis. I've seen one
comic in McSweeney's. It was incredibly depressing and
I don't want Monkey hanging out with a bad influence
like that anyway.The Fall of Monkey CEOWhen Handheld Monkey Inc. folded in the fall of 2001, a lot of employees came forward with their grievances. This is what they had to say.  Monkey made some bad investments... a banana farm here, a one-term congressman there.  Monkey went through administrative assistants like tissue paper... by blowing snot on them and then throwing them headfirst into trash cans.  Monkey used to crawl on the cubicles and interrupt our work. It seems like every time I was on the phone with a client Monkey would stare at me while poking holes in my cubicle walls with a pencil.  To make up for the height difference between Monkey and the staff, everyone had to stand in a trench while Monkey pointed and threw office supplies at us.  Monkey made everyone do "I'm a little teapot" one after another until everyone was done. If anyone complained Monkey would tear up our checks and we'd have to wait for them to be reprinted.  I always felt terrible whenever Monkey would single out an employee to torment, but mostly I was just glad when it wasn't me.  I don't know why everyone's complaining. They should have done what I did. Every morning I'd hide in the restroom until lunch. After lunch, I'd take a nap in the supply room.  Monkey turned casual day from something everyone enjoyed into something dirty and shameful.  I'll never forget the last temp the agency sent us. Monkey jumped on her head. The image of Monkey tangled in her hair and shrieking as she ran out of the building is burned on my retinas. Monkey didn't understand the difference between "firing" a bad employee and "firing on" a bad employee. Thank goodness Monkey was too vain to wear glasses.  Right before the company went out of business a few of us realized that we weren't working on real projects. We were just doing whatever degrading thing amused Monkey at the time.  Monkey was drunk on power... and cough syrup. That's a bad combination. the endback to Handheld Monkey copyright 2002 William F. Clifford III all rights reserved |
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